You know, I don't know why I keep doing these journals sometimes. Maybe its for the hope that someone might one day comment or share how they're feeling with me. I like people and I like interaction. Not something like gossiping about who's got dirt on who, or listening to people bitch and complain about whether or not they think they know "what's good for me." I'm sorry, but I'm just not that type of girl. Never really have been, dispite my earlier attempts to try and fit in. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit upset myself right now... upset about a lot of things. I find myself talking to myself in the mirror more often than not, contiplating whether I'm doing something good or something bad. Mostly thinking about something bad. Nostalgia is one of my biggest problem, have I ever mentioned that...? I struggle with it a lot more than most people, because, although I may not have photographic memory, I still remember conversations and talks and feelings I've shared from almost 11 years ago. It's not something I look forward to everyday of my life; from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep and start dreaming. Maybe its because of my emotions and fears and worries that I've wrote in this journal again. For the last few months, I've been noticing more and more how soft and relaxed I've become. Not a bad thing, but I'm that kind of person that loves feeling the burn when exercising or practicing a mix martial arts of some kind, but after I graduated some time ago, I haven't been able to get back into the spirit. At one point I took karate. It was a wonderful outlet for my pent up anger and rage (guess that's why I like the Sith side a lot more than the Jedi side of things anyways >_>) but a few months before I ended a horrible relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I had physically harmed someone in a sparring match at my dojo to the point I was called a "bully". I also had a nickname given to me by my teacher: Shihan's Little Monster Assassin, shortened to "monster" later, but it stuck with me. I loved the nickname, it was something that made me feel proud but, after I had harmed someone, my respected title as "monster" turned me into "The Monster" or "The Bully". This happened over so many years ago, but I still can't seem to move on from it. I purposefully killed my ego and everything about myself in karate and found myself left as an empty shell. If there is one song that ever could describe how I quite literally felt, it was Christina Perri's "The Lonely". Even after I had left my dojo, I found myself constantly struggling to keep a firm grip on my self-control but I grew to fear it when I hurt my own parent on multiple occations because we like to rough house at times. And now, long after I threw up so many barriers to keep myself from every becoming as strong as I was... now, I long for the days I was strong... Some part of me wonders if wishing for my strength to come back is acceptable or not, and at other times, I wonder why it is I wish for it back...

Sadly, I don't have all the anwsers, but somehow, telling a small but vastly large community of people of artists seems to have helped me calm my nerves a little bit. Maybe talking about myself sometimes is not all that bad. I just wish people would actually listen and talk to me sometimes. **Sigh** I really dislike being on the reflected side of a double-sided mirror.